Wowapi chicage means “I am writing you a letter.” The letter maybe a poem, a story, a musing, a thought or just day to day events. Sharing to inspire and connect is what I hope to achieve. Even if the words go unseen. Perhaps, somewhere, a person will stumble upon these words and find meaning, hope, joy, or just another human being who has experienced the same.
What is grief?
Grief is the unsent letter.
The undialed call.
Grief is the all the in-betweens.
It’s the beginning not the end.
Today’s Easter Sunday.
My maternal grandmother was a devout Episcopalian. She used to dress me, my sister and cousins up in dresses to attend church. This was in South Dakota so it wasn’t quite warm enough to wear dresses so we usually ended up having wear a heavy winter coat over the dress. The thin white stockings and white patent leather shoes weren’t quite enough to keep the cold away.
The Easter before she passed, we dressed up and we went to church but this time, my sister and cousins decided after church we would go for a walk while the adults sat and drank coffee. Our walk took us up a very steep hill where we subsequently got stuck. Leather patent shoes are not good for hiking. My oldest cousin had to hike up the hill to retrieve us.
Despite getting stuck on a hill in a frilly white dress and white patent shoes, that Easter is the one I remember most vividly. I remember eating sweet breads bought from the store and boiled eggs for breakfast. I remember the feel of my aunts fingers on my scalp and in my hair as she braided my hair. I remember my grandma singing hyms in Lakota. I remember her in green, the color of spring. Her curly hair done up with streams of silver dotting here and there.
My grandma was not very old when she passed. She was in her mid-50’s. Quite young I can say now. She loved her grandchildren, we were the most important. I can’t at-will recall the sound of her voice, it takes context. I remember her that morning. The happy laughter and the look of contentment. She loved Easter lilies. They weren’t as prevalent as they are today but I remember how she used to stare at them in church. A look of open adoration for the flower. She’s the reason I love lilies. They remind me of her.
It’s been 38 years since she left and I still miss her. Especially on Easter.
Baldur’s Gate 3 will not have a DLC or part 4.
Larian, the maker of Baldur’s Gate 3, will not be making a downloadable content or a Baldur’s Gate 4.
I am not surprised or upset. These last seven months, since August 3, 2023, have been wonderful. The voice actors have been open and creating content. Some are streaming on Twitch. It’s been amazing. I’ve loved every minute. I’ve never had an experience quite like this.
I remember the launch of different videogames, like Mass Effect 3 or Dragon Age 2 being similar with the excitement and connection with other players but never to the voice actors. Not at this level. For me, that’s what sets Baldur’s Gate 3 apart.
I’ve learned so much because of this game. I learned D&D. I learned turn based combat mechanics. I found new podcasts and met wonderful people. This game has brought so much joy to my life. A very small part of me is disappointed that the journey will not continue but the rest of me is looking forward to the next videogames like Dragon Age: Dread Wolf.
I think it’s because Baldur’s Gate 3 came out of nowhere. It was not anywhere in my awareness. I had no expectation of it. I had no hype. I tried playing, I loved it and I have continued to play. It has been without expectation from the beginning and even now, I have no expectations into the future. Certainly now with Larian saying there is no future. But that doesn’t upset me.
Maybe it’s my age, maybe is my experience but I am happy to have played this videogame. I am happy to have had the experiences I have had these last seven months. I will look back on this time in my life with joy and happiness knowing I found something so wonderful unexpectedly. What a joy it has been. Until the next…
Note to self
- I cannot see into or know the hearts of others.
- Everyone get’s fooled.
Thoughts on music
There are so many songs that remind me of a time, a place and a person. Josh Groban’s song, “Awake” reminds me of my husband and the summer of 1992. Music has been a stream of my consciousness since I could remember. When I was a little girl, the song “Amarillo by morning” by Georg Strait was the saddest song I ever heard. If I want to remember a something, I look for a song. I look for the feelings it inspired and that leads to memories. Sometimes I can’t remember a face or a time then I would hear a song and everything comes flooding back.
I love music for that reason. It was late in life I learned to play the guitar. I want to pick it back up because there is something vital, life giving and life altering, that creating music inspires. Sometimes it was the only way I could find a way to express those convoluted thoughts, feelings and memories. I like to think of music as that thread between me and others. Sometimes words fall flat when trying to express what I am feeling but a song can express it perfectly. Music courses through everything. Even in the day to day world music can be found. Be it in a hum, a whistle or just softly sung notes.
“Meet me in Montana” by Dan Seals and Marie Osmond, that’s another song. It reminds me of my uncle. He loved Montana. Thinking of him makes me realize how often he spoke of Montana and how much it was a part of his life and everything he loved. Despite the fact he lived there only briefly. I remember thinking Montana was this mystical and magical place all because it was wrapped up in a song. Montana was the place to be, at least, according to my uncle. He’s gone now but “Meet me in Montana” remains and in so many ways so does he.
That’s the power of music.
More RGB! MORE!
I have added another LED light strip to my PC. Now I have a light strip on the top of the case in addition to the bottom. I am now contemplating strimmers for my GPU and the motherboard. So very tempting. I like to refer to myself as a technological magpie. My shinnies are RGB lights in my PC. Maybe its because my PC to look Las Vegas at midnight or I just love lights. Either way, the colors are beautiful. The theme for the lights is “Night Sky.” As beautiful as it sounds. I am very happy with the additional LED light strip. Now do I dare more?
The last day of 2023…
This year has been an interesting year. I lost my father at the end of August. Losing a parent is an intellectual exercise until it isn’t. For some, the loss is expected. For me, I wasn’t prepared. It was an unexpected loss. The most difficult part about the loss wasn’t going through the grief and mourning. It was finding an answer to the question, “How are you?”
How do you explain that feeling of profound loss? How do I explain the loss of my origin? The only explanation I could give was, my origin, where I came from, was gone. I felt rudderless. I felt lost in the ether. Untethered. My parents gave me a sense of origin. I could look at them then myself and say, “That’s where I come from. That’s my nose, my eyes, my smile.” I could see the features of my face in my father. That’s where I came from. I’ve been told countless times how I look like my father. Now he’s gone. What does that mean to me? I am still figuring that out.
This year was also the year I came home to Colorado. I cannot express in words my love for Colorado. This is it, this is home. I’ve searched for a long time to find the place where I felt like I never want to leave. I used to be jealous of those who knew where their home was. I searched far and for so long. I grew up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. That’s the home of my childhood. But my home. The home of my life, and the days to come. That was an unknown for so long. I used to hate Denver, Colorado. It reminded me of my uncle who passed 20 years ago. Now, those memories no longer hurt. Perspective gained through life experience and time helped me to see past the hurt of the loss of my uncle to what I love about Colorado.
There’s a song, “Coming Home (Oregon)” by Mat Kearney that expresses how I feel about coming home to Colorado. Especially the lyric, “I’m coming home to the place that I remember, back to the land of my first love…” That’s my theme for home. It’s all about love. It’s but one of a few songs expressing how I feel about Colorado. I love Colorado. This is home. I will leave it, periodically, but I will always come home. During my homecoming, I will listen to my playlist about Colorado and be thankful that I am finally home.
In these last few hours remaining of 2023, I am reminded of so many wonderful experiences this year encompasses. Far too many to write out but I can say this, I never expected to grow old. The gift of trauma, you see. A sense of foreshortened future, that’s what it’s called. But I’ve lived far longer than I expected. Maybe I make it to my 50’s, even 60’s. Heck, maybe even 70’s. That’ll be something. For right now, I am happy to be where I am. I am home. I still don’t have things figured out but who does?
Happy New Year! See you in 2024.
Hozier… Where have I been?
His lyrics reverberate, they’re visceral and raw. They bring the past back to life in a way I never expected. How does he do that? I have Francesca, All things End, and Unknown/Nth from Unreal Unearth in 2023 on repeat. The song “Francesca” is reflecting 2010. It’s the echoes of a story long past from another’s life that is somehow distilled into this song. I am left reeling. Do you remember…? All too well.
“Darling, I would go through it again.”
That lyric alone moves me from indifference to another time, another place. I remember feelings long past. What is this? It’s beautiful. It’s marvelous. It’s tragic.
“And all things end…”
The amazing part of music is how it transports me back. Has it been 14 years since 2009? Soon 15 years will have passed. The year 2009 was an important year. The impact of the events of that year would impact the next 5 years to 2014. And let me tell you 2014. That year… Loss, hurt, pain and yet I look back with feelings of nostalgia, happiness and yearning.
“Do you know I could break beneath the weight of the goodness, love, I still carry for you?”
It’s going to be 10 years since 2014. So much has happened. I miss the woman that I was. She was so bold, daring, and fearless. I see the traces of her in me today. She changed. She learned. She would still do everything single thing she did from 2009 to 2014. No regrets. Time has eased the pain of the scars I bear today. I appreciate her. I miss her. So hopeful and a little naive.